Thoughts on the re-awakening of emotions
It is night. The stars are dim and the trees are bare. You walk alone in the cold as each breath creates a cloud of heat that disappears into the draping night. How you long to follow your breath, to disappear, to be seen by no one. For so long you wanted to be known, seen, touched, understood. Now you are here and it is too much.
Take a seat on the lonely bench, watch your breath. There is nothing else in the universe. Only you, no one can see you, no one can hear you. There is no one, simply you.
The trees are bare, I like them that way.
They are like you.
Cold and dark
Still and yet not
Empty. So very empty
Only in that emptiness does life exist. For you cannot be awakened to the crippling vibrancy of living until you have known what it is to be dead – void of emotion and sentiment; incapable of giving or receiving love. Until you have forgotten the feeling of laughter in your gut and the sensation of creation in your mind. Only after you have stood on the edge of a cliff and convinced yourself that the free-fall you long for is not worth the impact of the ground… only then can life be experienced in all its magic, in all its cruelty and in all its hostile beauty.
When you give up the emptiness you accept the harshness of life. You accept that there is simply too much and live to question every moment why you chose to leave the safety of that empty cave. Why did I want to be seen again? Why did I choose to feel all of this? It is crippling, I cannot move, I cannot think of anything but that lonely tree branch and how I envy its state.
What I would give to be untouched by the cruelty of man, to be seen only by those who take the time to really look. I feel violated, like they have taken too much and will never be satiated. I cannot give anymore, I cannot handle being seen so often by so many cold and distant eyes.
Let me be a tree branch, let me live in my cold world with the dim stars and the empty cave. I don’t want to feel naked anymore, I want to feel safe. I want to be alone, I want to be. I just want to be again. Please, just let me be.
Written by Meaghan Weldele
Written 29 October 2017
Photo: Peak District, United Kingdom